![]() ![]() Fortunately, the programmer has a wrist band version of his computer (WHAT?) and uses that to shoot monsters and such with a laser beam. The sorcerer takes the programmer’s girlfriend hostage and pits the programmer’s technology against his magic. Then both he and his girlfriend are transported to another realm where a demon-like sorcerer has summoned him in his quest to find a worthy opponent. ![]() This is obvious in films like The Dungeonmaster, in which a computer programmer has somehow made a sentient PC that he can interact with, and his girlfriend is jealous of his relationship with the computer. In the 1980s, personal computers were a new thing that caught Hollywood’s imagination even if they didn’t really understand how they worked. It’s the kind of horror movie that doesn’t scare you but will make you laugh–which misses the point of being a horror movie, but as a deliriously stupid B-movie, it succeeds on all fronts. And it’s very stupid.īut films like this seem to exist to be on lists like this, and Chopping Mall is grade-A “so bad, it’s good” material: the acting is atrocious, the special effects are garbage, the very concept is totally bonkers, and the kind of context-less gratuitous nudity that only 80’s films would dare insert into their films. The security robots go rogue and begin killing them off one-by-one. Four couples, who are all employees of the mall, have a party in a furniture store after closing time where they drink and smoke and have sex and do all of the things that get teenagers killed in horror movies. So the story goes: a mall installs a state-of-the-art security system that includes shutters across all exits and three heavily armed security robots that roam around the mall after it closes and are programmed to subdue and apprehend potential thieves using tasers and tranquilizer guns. So ingenious B-movie director Jim Wynorski thought, why not both? And made Chopping Mall. Horror movies–particularly slasher movies aimed at a teenage audience–were also very popular at the time. Malls were a big thing in 1980’s America: large shopping centers with numerous retailers and food outlets housed in one big building was a novelty that suburban dwellers couldn’t get enough of in that decade. It’s a mess, but a really fun mess to watch. Besides it making no sense, Rhinestone is a film that tried to capitalize on the fleeting “urban cowboy” fad that swept across America in the early 80’s, so much of its context is lost on today’s audience. Which, in turn, makes it an oddly fascinating film to watch. This totally artificial and contrived storyline would be bad on its own, but watching as Sylvester “I Can Barely Speak Clearly” Stallone struggle as he tries to sing country music makes this film abysmal. But Jake–determined to make him a star–brings him to Tennessee to enrich his cultural horizons and begins to make him a country musician. ![]() So he picks a cabbie named Nick (Sylvester Stallone), who has no musical talent and also hates country. When she makes a bet with the club manager that she can turn anyone into a country star in just two weeks in order to be released from her contract (and if she loses she has to perform at the club for another FIVE YEARS and sleep with the club owner), the club owner gets to choose who it is she has to make a star. Jake Farris (Dolly Parton) is a country singer stuck in an urban cowboy nightclub in New York City. But in 1984, the two teamed up to make a musical comedy about country music called Rhinestone, and it is completely nuts. Someone you may not think of when you think of country music is Sylvester Stallone. When you think of country music, you might think Dolly Parton–which makes sense, as she has been one of country music’s biggest mainstream crossover successes. ![]()
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